Months;


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• January '23


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• November '23


• March '24


• April '24


• August '24


• September '24


• October '24


• November '24

Logs;

1/4/23 10:00 pm>Egidio> I have to finish a spanish project that was due ~12/15/22 but do i want to do it? no. ill probably just read homestuck lel derp

1/10/23 8:26 pm>Egidio> I'm working on a history dbq while in tb/sd vc also have a essay in english due tonight but does that matter NO

1/11/23 1:38 am>Egidio> Finishing up dbq & it & the essay are past due... BLEHHH!!!! still havent done spanish work either lol

1/11/23 2:50 am>Egidio> almost done with dbq (procrastinating) might ask mother to allow me to skip classes tommorrow to work on other stuff :thinking_emoji:

1/11/23 3:01 am>Egidio> I am upset I don't know idk idk idk idk movies be like: cut! (go on & break a leg)

1/12/23 12:00 am>Egidio> I was able to submit the dbq, almost exactly a day late. still have to do attwn essay but im sure teacher will udnertadn right? right? right?

1/16/23 9:55 am>Egidio> I played jackbox last night, really fun tihatme john & tony (maddix bf) joined still iffy on john but ill learn to accept him

1/16/23 10:30 am>Egidio> I also moved my bed around a lot yesterday, swapped with carmela computer is in back corner rn

1/16/23 11:34 pm>Egidio> gay gay gay gay gay

1/21/23 12:41 am>Egidio> submitted my spanish project after a month lol still need english but who cares? also absent for history test:(

1/23/23 12:42 pm>Egidio> Yesterday i submitted my english but it was half baked so uhhhh but i only need 74% on it to have an A so B)

2/27/23 3:04 am>Egidio> I'm glad that I haven't had to write anything as of late but unfortunately I relapsed, i had a leg razor in my drawer for awhile but today i used it (TO SHAVE MY LEGS OF COURSE NO OTHER REASON!!!) it's been a little over a month but still not too good! working on a history project which is fun it's just silly twitter but i just can't do it even though its so easy; unrelated but i love blood

4/10/23 3:46 pm>Egidio> I just got back from my maternal grandparents house. it was pretty fun. Maddix got into homestuck which is really awesome because it means i have someone to talk about homestuck to now, aswell as Dva & Tony who i have recently become friends with. I want to play minecraft with the rest of TB but I am afraid of asking my Father, I just don't want to bother him + he just drove for 4 hours. I think I am going to ask him now as they are planning on joining vc!

4/13/23 12:06 am>Egidio> it is 4/13 which means I am going to finish homestuck this is so freaking epic! i love homestuck it genuinely is so awesome & I'm glad that i have friends who like it now aswell

4/16/23 12:46 am>Egidio> the tb people are talking about their "hear me outs" & it made me realize idk if i experience attraction properly? idk, there are characters i think i find attractive but i really dont know. its just so confusing for no reason.

4/16/23 1:03 am>Egidio> Just got reminded of how when I was but a wee lad ~5-6 years old I saw a kid on the playground & thought "that girl is cute" but i later realized it was just a boy with long hair. cool story i know.

4/17/23 5:10 am>Egidio> I just hurt again. not proud of it. I want to blame shrimpy but I don't know if it's her fault. doesn't mean I still don't like her. i strongly dislike shrimpy. I am afraid of joining call when I see her in it. I've felt this way ever since she & maddix broke up. my leg feels like its shaking ahhh.

4/18/23 2:40 am>Egidio> I hurt again again. I really should stop but idk when it's late & i am using it to shave hair i just can't help myself. I don't think I even neccessarily feel depressed I just feel sort of bored. Anyways heres a recap of the day: school as boring i have a lot of work to do since i was out sick all week. after school i played mc (minecraft) with seru for awhile & we made turtles have sex. i had to eat so we both left vc & since i had nothing to do & i got barely any sleep yesterday i just went to bed. i woke up later at like 10 or 11 & just have been reading the homestuck epilouges. I am about to finish candy when i just started last night.

4/20/23 4:03 am>Egidio> I haven't done anything of note yet, thankfully in a sense. I have just been feeling sort of depressed? idk. I have been having a lot of gay thoughts lately & how I don't know if he feels the same way or if i feel that way, it's hard to understand. I don't think a relationship between us would work out but I also think we are perfect for each other. IDK IDK IDK IDK. this being absent thing is so annoying i have a lot of work to do. I went to take 2 quizzes during study hall but i just went to his class for 40 minutes & he never gave me the test. bitch. That's all i have for tonight folks sorry about that

5/9/23 9:42 am>Egidio> I was in vc with shrimpy again. left after 20 mintues. wasn't as awkward this time but still I felt like I couldn't talk, or just felt less comfortable talking when she was there. I don't want it to be like this but it's just what my body feels. In other news Dva is awesome they are a cool friend & we are funny & silly together. we killed maddix for being WOKE. excited for birthday tomorrow, probablly going to watch youtube & then go to bed.

5/11/23 6:23 pm>Egidio> theres a few things i want to talk about today: birthday, ap world, & reflection on mid 2022. first, i liked my birthday even if i did sleep through most of it. I didn't do anything with friends, i would have liked to play among us. That's my fault for sleeping though. This sleep led to me having trouble sleeping to the ap test, but i brute forced myself into sleep which i rarely have done before, also 3 melatonin. I think i did poorly on the ap world exam. I felt like the mcq was fine but all the writing i was just spouting bullshit & wrote the most incoherent things ever. Now reflection: I feel like mid 2022 was probably the worst era of my internet sagas. I felt like the tb friend group just felt weird & uncomforrtable, especially with the mommy city thing. I often felt weird talking in vcs & would keep quiet most of the time, this feeling has returned with shrimpy being in vc unfortunately. Late 2022 & early 2023 were great though, it felt like everyone was together again & we actually had fun just doing stuff like in mid 2021... thats all for now, stay sussy my impostors.

5/14/23 10:13 pm>Egidio> Thought about something that happened when me & potion were playing doors a few months ago. we hadn't talked in awhile so he was catching me up on what was going on in his life & i realized that nothing has really happened to me in these past years. I feel like I am the same person I was when I was 13, I should have changed at least somewhat. figured out sexuality stuff but that's really it, & even then Idk about that. I don't know what I want to do or how i want to do it, just confused. Other news: i feel like an annoyance even though i don't think others percieve me in that way, but I really want reassurance from people but don't know how to do that without seeming annoying. short answer is that i cannot, i have to keep overthinking. this sucks.

5/16/23 1:26 am>Egidio> I feel feel sick to my stomach. I shouldn't. I feel awful about it. I think dva is into this girl Velly & as soon as i realized my heart sank. the dots just add up. I shouldn't feel bad about this & me & dva are better as friends but i just feel hurt. they started talking to her like a week ago. I don't know what to do. I've been in a bad place emotionally recently & this didn't really help.

5/16/23 3:58 am>Potato> I am so mentally ill. i need school to end already but i also need to do my assignments, which are very late. AHHH!H!HH!H!HH!!!!!! im gay gay gay gay faggot! anyhbody else love gay porn? just me? ok.

5/16/23 11:32 am>Potato> I think i’m over the dva thing, i think it was just something i needed to sleep on. in other news lately i’ve been recalling memories & realizing that they are probably important & changed me. when i was probably like 9 or so i woke up early & went into the guest room. the guest room had a tv which is why i went in it. i think i was just watching youtube or something with my brother. the guest room had a murphy bed(bed the folds up to take less space). it fell on me while we were watching. i was stuck under the bed i couldn’t move. my brother ran back to our room. i had to scream & scream to wake my parents up, reminder it was like 5 in the morning. they finally helped me & i think that experience led to some problems. my brother just ran, i thought he was going to get my parents but he didn’t. he just ran.

5/17/23 12:39 am>Potato> I feel like talking to dva is awkward now. I don't know why but it feels like i just annoy them, i probably do. I hate being just a person who is there. i wish i could express my emotions properly. i wish i was normal. sometimes i think i overreact & am actually normal, then i try to imagine people i think are normal doing the same things or thinking the same things & i realize how weird & abnormal i am. I would cut off a few fingers just to be normal.

5/22/23 12:34 am>Potato> I just can't get anything done I need to get my stuff together theres only 2 weeks left of school come on. I took 20mg of adderall this morning (like 12:30 pm) which is twice the amount i usually take, 10mg, but i still couldn't get anything done. what is wrong with me. come on. come on, come on. Foot is really cool & funny & awesome is awesome this guy above.

6/4/23 2:06 am>Potato> I just realized why I stopped doing the among us thing even though I love it. Shrimpy & Seru were arguing about foot being annoying when he was defintely being annoying. I sent an update for among us in general & Shrimpy said that Me liking among us was comparable to among us. I then subconciously started thinking the among us thing was annoying & stopped doing it. I have recently started doing it again & It's so fun. I felt like i had lost any sense of self in 2022 but I have slowly regained it.

6/4/23 2:35 am>Potato> I am sort of upset that I feel so closed off. IDK IDK how to phrase it. I feel like if I got kicked out of TB or it just stopped being active I don't think I could find another friend group. The only other possible thing would MAYBE be whatever tony & Dva's friend group is called but idk... I don't know what i would do if i lost all the friends I have. I feel like they've been with me for so long, yet they know so little about me. I wish i was more open but if i was open i feel like I would lose the innocence of my personality that I think makes me a real person. The person i would be if i were to open up would not be me.

6/4/23 2:46 am>Potato> My parents probably think I'm insane, or mentally ill, or just really weird, or all of the above(not really above just 2the left). I wanted to stay home from school for some reason I don't know. I just kept laughing & she said that i was scaring her. I feel bad. I have toi stop being weird. I can't stop being weird. UNreltaed; i like having music really loud but I also don't like it because sometimes I'll hear the door knocking, it's not really knocking. I hate the sound of the door knocking. I hate when I do something & my mother asks if i took my medication, it makes me feel like I am an inherently bad person when I'm not on my medication, it makes me feel inhuman. I hate it even more because she is always right. I don't think I would ever date a woman. I do think I would ever date a man. I don't know what attraction is supposed to feel like. AHHHHH.

6/4/23 3:29 am>Potato> I remind myself of my father, I don't want to. I am very glad I no longer have anger issues. I would get mad & throw a fit over the smallest things. Now I am better but I don't know. Sometimes I start to feel that way again & feel awful. I wish the walls weren't so thin. I want to be able to rest without my family having a conversation outside. i don't know who i am. i know im Potato, that is the version of me I like. I know who Egidio is, that is the version of me that is smart. I have to stop being potato & become Egidio. I have to being potato.

6/4/23 4:27 am>Potato> It's weird looking at old interactions because it doesn't feel like me, I want to be able to look at something & be like "yeah that is something I would say" but I can't. I feel this way for just old stuff in general. I guess this is just because I've changed so much as a person, but still, it feels like I've changed too differently. IDK how to explain it. Just whenever my mother says something I did or said when i was younger I don't feel like that reflects me. I feel like as a person I had so much potential to be a better person, not personality wise, moreso like interest wise. I wish i had taken my love of owls further & maybe tried to know more interesting stuff about owls. I wish maybe I continued coding I liked coding if I could've gotten good at it maybe my father could've had his dream of going to MIT carried on through me. I feel bad for being so dissapointing, I'm supposed to be the smart kid yet i can't do shit. I'm just some stupid gay loser with no problems besides ones I create in my head. I wish I could understand that owl painting, the one my father seems to like. He said I could have any of the former me's paintings yet said that one was off-limits. It also used to be in his room so I'm sure there is some importance to it. I was stalking the former me's facebook a couple months ago & saw the owl painting so I know it's one of his.

6/4/23 4:43 am>Potato> on the topic of family I wish to discuss something I thought of. I think one of the reasons I'm so closed off is because my whole family is. I barely know any of my fathers side of the family & my mothers side talks alot but they don't say anything. I don't think I can have a real conversation with anybody ever. Rocket had a conversation with me, it felt the most real I think I've had in my life. Rocket is cool I hope I can become better friends with him. I wish I could help him with his issues but I can't talk to people in real conversations, meaningful conversations. back to what i was saying...! I feel like whenever I do have a conversation about emotions it feels like they, my parents, treat me as not an equal but they talk down to me. My father was talking about the assignments i had to do & he kept on telling me to do them. Does he think I don't feel like doing them? I wish my father wasn't like this, he is the one person who can relate to my struggles yet he cannot comfort me. This is exactly what I meant earlier by my father reminds me of me, I don't know how I would handle caring for myself either. I have to be this weird monotone person. I don't know why I can't post this kind of stuff on my private, well not the family stuff I mean the work related stuff. adhd sucks :((((. I barely know about my family, I know that my paternal grandfather, the former me, was arrested sometimes when my father was a kid & took up painting in that time. I think the arrest was drug related? idrk. I think he lives in london now, I just did a google search. I don't know exactly why my father hates him so much, I'd rather not know i guess.? I just wish I could understand anything. My father is probably autistic too. maybe. I am probably autistic too. probably.

6/4/23 5:10 am>Potato> Nothing really gets to me insult wise I don't care about height I rather like being short, I feel like I am just a short person. Like it would be weird for me to be average height or tall. the only insults that get to me are ones that my brother says. like he calls me a nerd with no friends even though I don't think that's true I know that he means it & that is why it hurts so much. I don't know where to stand on my brother, I think he is annoying & he was really mean to me growing up but so was I. one scary moment was when I got him mad for some reason & he pinned me against a wall & tried to choke me. I was able to not be choked, obviously, but the experience was still scary. He also tried to through a lead pipe at me which could have seri0usly messed up my back had it hit me. my back already is fucked up but it would've become even more fucked up had it hit me. I wish i knew somebody who i could talk to. i wish i could talk to myself.

6/5/23 2:28 am>Egidio> I was able to do spanish & bio work today. I have to do history still I have to write my history paper still, sorry. i have 3 other assignments 1 i don't think will be even accepted at this point. I have to thank my father for making me do the spanish & bio assignment i did do. Also I have been looking at my old posts from like a couple of years ago & i kind of miss having a following. Not like a ohh look at me so famous way but just being able to be funny, it made me feel good. I have been looking at old posts from my twitter & what i realize is that the type of humour has changed. I don't think I am as funny as i was previusly or just I guess it was easier to be funnier? I wish I could post on my main still because I know I could probably, maybe, hopefully, be funny but i just feel like the stage of just posting to no one is too daunting I don't want to do that.

6/5/23 3:44 am>Egidio> just recalled a weird friend also might talk about the purprate thing. So fruit654 was a gay person obsessed with femboys, like if maddix was turned up to 1000x. maddix is respectable with his taste in men as he isn't too weird about it & most of the time he is right. fruit would be weird & just one of those uhh im so depressed :((((( people. Fruit would ask me on occasion to send him femboy ahegao images he was one weird guy. I stopped talking to him when i got invited to kf. purprate was weird to skip don't feel like saying anything more rn.

6/5/23 3:55 am>Egidio> why why why do i do this? This limbo state feels so comforting yet it burns. I hate having to take drugs to be able to work & even then i can barely function. too gay to function! I hate that i continue to complain yet it does nothing. I continue to hurt myself despite it doing nothing. I want to feel special I am not special. I hate thinking im normal but then i put my shoes in someone elses feet & I know them to be insane. I want my shoes back. A new pair. over half of the current posts have been this month. does that mean i need to stop posting or i have just needed to start now?

6/5/23 10:02 pm>Egidio> I do not know why previously I had disliked my father, or well not been the greatest fan. He is similar to me & I don't hate that it's like that. He helped me actually do the work even though I cried like a bitch throughout the beginning. also mother saw the s/h on my hand but didn't realize it was s/h so that was lucky i guess. I am actually on track to finish my assignments now I think. good golly am i chuffed to bits!

6/7/23 12:32 pm>Egidio> i am staying home from school today to get work done. mother is worried about me i think so i have an appointment with my therapist. in the lobby rn will update after.

6/7/23 10:51 pm>Egidio> I just finished my research paper & man am I glad that's done. I think it is pretty decent I guess. the appointment went okay, I lied about the s/h & said I just went mental on a coca cola can. I think everything is going to be just fine.

6/8/23 12:11 am>Egidio> Shrimpy has been on my nerves lately. I she just called me tubby boy & said to go back to my alien trolls that's such a stupid insult idk why it hurt. it probably hurt because when other people insult it's a joke becauase we are friends I don't really see her as a friend.

6/9/23 11:46 pm>Egidio> btw im out of school now. im really happy because of this I was tired of school. have to go to the woods for the enchanting quest on monday though, so won't be any updates from then, 6/12/23 to 6/16/23. i saw the spiderman movie today & rewatched it last night. I cried during both. really great movies. I rarely cry during anything but I think I'm a different person after last week. Seeing people say people are cringe for doing stuff (recording self crying etc) makes me feel like if i were to reach out for help I'd just be mocked or not taken seriously. Do people care about me? I've felt myself drifting from TB, I don't want this to happen. I'm just so scared. so s os sosososoososo ,.,.,guihdfsjkcx. I want to have friends. I don't want to have no friends. I'm a faggot fa fa fa fa fa fg. Miguel O'hara is so hotoooooootooooot.... xD XD xD XD Xd.

6/9/23 11:50 pm>Egidio> Who am I? Is potato or Egidio the real person? who is Potato? I want to be Potato again. this Egidio who I am being right now is a better person. a more real person. I want to be a character, not Egidio. I want to be Potato again. Why can't I go back? I'm insane, Delusional. I don't even know why i write this stuff down because when somebody will find it it will just make me seem insane.

[INTERRPUTION] 8/30/23 1:14 am>Egidio> this is out of order but i think its kind of like in homestuck so its okay. during the week of 6/12-6/15 i was at a camp & recordered my day at the end on papers. I have chosen to transcribe these papers into logs as if they had been taken when they were written & had i put the code denomination in as well (the date + time + recorder) you can see the transcription date/time as well as the estimate of when the paper itself was written. I tried to copy as closely as possible however my handwriting sucks so be advised i may have made mistakes. i will put authors notes or whatever within asterisks *like this*

*Transcribed 8/30/23 1:04 am* 6/12/23 11:xx pm>Egidio> Camp day 1 (6/13?) it's a monday i know that. today was pretty fun. the people here are a bit strange but ill ignore them. Today i shot a rifle! it was a bolt action & i kept the target i can show it when I'm home. I also threw tomohawk. I think i did well ennough it hit it a few times chipped the board but wtv i made smores they were yum! my group is ok they are really redneck here! I hope this is readble. Egidio

*transcribed 8/30/23 1:13 am* 6/13/23 11:xx pm>Egidio> Egidio Simonelli Tuesday 6/13/23 (yesterday was 12th my bad) >Egidio> I think I slept okay last night, it was so dark & no clocks in the cabin so i don't know what times i woke up in the night. I did wake up frequently by sound or just my sleep clock being messed up. i woke up fully at the alarm & went to take a shower. I had to ask one of the king twins to turn it off it was twisted so far. I was there before late but all the people in the guys cabin were already there. In breakfast [through whole day] I sat at the dawson [cabin jr leader] table the people there are kind of annoying but so is everybody else here for the most part. In activity I went & fished the whole time didn't catch anything! I knew time was up soon & headed to cooking but the lake walk was too far so when I got there the thing wasn't even set up anymore. The classes were today too, before activity. They were pretty fun but I'm looking forward to other classes. We had council activiites not really of much note skit about eating beans w/ 3diff emotions (neutral, sad, p(r)eppy) eieieio go rangers go rangers go ranger Go! there was a dance after it was fun b/c I just tried to have fun. I shoudl try to have fun more. I was not the best at It but it is the fun that really matters. supposedly we will do more the following days I'm looking forward to that! Best Regards, Me :)

*transcribed 8/30/23 2:01 am* 6/14/23 11:xx pm>Egidio> >Egidio Simonelli> Wednesday today. It was paul bunion themed with papers around the camp hung up acting like quotes. I slept worse than yesterday but I wasn't tired throughout the whole day. I woke up a bit early & lied in bed before starting to get ready. I got a shower soap + conditioner. I wore my snoopy shirt today :D This time when heading I remembered to go to the nurses office & take meds ! it was really rainy in the morning so flag raising was cancelled so we just waited till 8:00. Classes were fun. it was forestry w/ the king brothers & then some lady talking about paper, we did an activity where we planned how to use 400 acres of land we barely made a profit [me, ryan, liam, benjamin] our group was mostly ryan doing planning + me doing the math. we made paper in another activity it was fun. we also made a little area with playdoh & the trees were matches & they would burn them to show how fires spraed. [breakfast & lunch] ***WILL CONTINUE TRANSCRIBING LATER *** *transcription continued 9/6/23 3:18 am* didn't eat much at bfst but ate a pizza at lunch those girls kept on doing the Yeah! thing during freetime I did the dwi simulatoer out of 45 freetime minutes i spent 40 waiting in line! i failed the test at 0.06 not the worst! Assembly was just boring wvu thing :P in group our jr leader, Channing, left so we had to do it on our own, we did good i think, but the boys were just goofing off most of the time. in activity i went repelling it was scary at first but i enjoyed it! i also built a little stick house with leaves + twigs. I got my 1st stamp! after i headed to cooking & made a pizza on toast. I pretended to eat it & threw it out! bleh! I got a stamp though #worthit! I just hung about waiting till dinner after that repelling walk + line wait took awhile but what ya gonna do! Dinner was burger & melon i ate half a melon slice & most of my pizza, we played softball & I did pretty okay for having no experience I caught a ball & got someone out [Mattie] & got a run even though I thought i was out! *page 1 ends* [continued] Reflection was fun I tried to be more involved in the songs it was fun & since today was paul bunion themed they had one of the kids & 3 girls on staff to be paul & his kids & someone was his wife too. they had some old guy come in to talk about wood chopping he was pretty cool. they had jacob (foggy nelson) dress up a dog boxer (bunions dog) & pee on ppl some but with poop babe his blue ox*?*. our skit was a marriage gone worng i was the priest & Ava(bill) +Nicole (tiny) were the wedded. frequent interruptions they argued., in my skit. song was camp caesar to the tune of payphone. **SENTENCE INELLIGBLE* after all that we did dance it was super fun. I tried moreso just have fun & go with the moment. I danced well enough even thought idk the dances some people seemed nervous to dance but they usually stepped in if they knew the song. I had trouble w/ cotton eyed joe dance the to moving left right + turning but i did all right . Then we headed to bed but not before kool aid! now heading to sleep theres i think a wart in my foot :( - Egidio

*transcribed 9/6/23 3:40 am* 6/15/23 11:xx pm>Egidio> 6/15?/23 forest ranger: Egidio Simonelli thursday [last full day at camp] slept in ell! a bit late to flag + breakfast well not late but later than most of the other's. Pancakes yummy. in class we got to look at animals mostly herpetology [amphibians + reptiles] (creepy crawlies) & identify them w/ a dichotameus key. we also did a law enforcement scenario. Bears not out of season. fun dog petting! freetime played ball then went to the dogs! lunch good. was tortillas w/ ham + cheese :). wildlife meeting forget exactly what it talked about LoL! then group meet went decent people not wanting to participate + benjamin being an ass annoyance. made it hard to get stuff done but i [hope] think it should be ready for tomorrow! activity i did river snorkeling in a group of 3 [me, girl idk name of, & mattie] i saw baby fish & crawdads :) they had prescription goggles :) that were good for my sight. :) After i went to the pool since i already had swim clothes on I tried to do a flip but only did a 180 ? Dinner was fried chicken i liked it also mashed tatos we had the great race after with **??** first 4 people hopped hula hooops while mallows thrown at them. our team did good maybe idk. next was bounce ball off wallcatch in cup our team sucekd! (ryan & liam) then gather leaves & identify them. went bad cuz we haven't done nature walk yet i felt like tthrowing up cuz bad coughing hyuk! we got 2 leaves right next was relay race. I had to take a frozen shirt & put it on. we won first time lost 2nd . so 2nd place overall i think. was fun! after danced for awhile but went out ot play monkey in the middle w./ massimo preston y mattie + owen& lydia. was really fun. it stinked in the other cabin room im glad im in this one stay tuned for an updat etomorrow! :)

*transcribed 9/6/23 4:23 am* **this time transcribed from discord since i was out by then* 6/16/23 11:00 pm>Egidio> june 16th friday last day of campwoke up early but ran kind of late getting ready nothing special for breakfast classes we had nature walk it was fun & we learned about the leaves identification lunch was good & i talked with game manager group more they are fun really wish i got to talk to mattie more she was lovely quiz i felt as if i did well & didn’t really cheat (may have overheard names of plants & matched them to what i thought) then shotgun safety assembly they shot at stuff kind of cool & there was explosive very loud too group meeting we just did viva la vids song worked on it since less time airdropped to me the lyrics cleaned up cabin easily since was always tidy then just went back & chilled mattie asked if (idk if at me massimo or preston) if anybody wanted to be penpals i said sure but didn’t actually give her any info because i’m a dumbass just that small mistake ruined any chance i had at friendship at the campfire we had our skit it sucked gameshow kind of boring no preparation is reason it sucked our song went okay didn’t do yell i won the quiz (tie between me & Kian) we rock paper scissor for who win which prize i won & chose the field guide for insects. Mattie Brown :))i think the name her name isthen we did this candle thingit was weirdwe walked outside & my mom was therehad to pack upmattie had already left i think:(((((

6/19/23 9:20 pm>Egidio> I got back from the camp like 2 days ago I will transcribe the notes later playing tilted zone wars with tb peoplpe. shriompy left but i think fr this time idk will talk about that ina bit i think/./.

6/20/23 1:25 pm>Egidio> So the past week I've been gone apparently shrimpy has been angrier & meanier & maddix made fun of her for liking the character ai bots like she talked to them a lot & tbh I did that stuff too but I have shame & don't admit to it. She was also upset because people were kind of avoiding her she felt at least IDK if that was the case as I was gone. I do feel like I'm glad I took the week off I think I got to stay out trouble & just have FUN. I wish i did get mattie's info though I guess but maybe I'll see her next year. so much can happen in a year though. back to shrimpy. so She left the server & I *HATE* to say it but it seems like things have been fun here. These past few days I think I've just felt more connected to everyone & I feel like she was kinding sapping away energy the server had. I do wish she could better herself & one day rejoin & make amends, she didn't really do anything unforgivable. I feel like I am becoming a better person & I can see that everyone around me is too & I like that & hope shrimpy can follow suit. But yeah that really is it you should be caught up. who are you btw? are you some sort of person outside of this realm, some version of me from a future far or near, some random person traveling across the electricity this space has? who knows. but you know, don't you? I wish i knew who I was, who i could be. how to be that person is a mystery, but when I am that person, I will know. :]

6/22/23 11:58 am>Egidio> This past few days I've been back I vc'd all of them I think & the vcs have been really fun. It feels like it did back in 2021 again. I feel like I'm super tired in vc but I don't care because I love my friends. I am going to go on walks more I need stuff to do in the middle of the day. I think I might meet seru I R LIFE on like saturday or sunday. I really like the atmosphere in the server right now & I wish shrimpy could be a part of the atmosphere, but sometimes an asteroid needs to weather itself down before re-entry. (BANGER POETRY RIGHT THERE!) jk that sucked bro xD. anyways I have a problem with media where I watch alot of episodes but just. stop. one day, I am watching magnus archives rn or rather listening. I am on episode 58 i think? I'll do that & grind fortnite: SAVE THE WORLD for xp rn. potato, out!

6/23/23 2:10 pm>Egidio> I feel like seru doesn't like me, i planned to visit him & it seemed fun but he has been just ghosting me i guess. he is being active in discord so IDK what's up with that. I picked out all these cool trinkets but idk I want to asks more directly, but I don't want to come off as an asshole IDK what to do. he could tell me if he didn't want to go through with it, I wouldn't mind genuinely. I hope he doesn't think I'm an asshole, I'm not foot. I like foot but he is mean to seru a lot. I try not to be mean & tried to be nicer to him this past month. IDK i am leaving for PA today I hope this gets resolved.

6/28/23 3:15 am>Egidio> I didn't end up meeting seru, a shame that is. I hate being such an emotional person yet having no outlet for it besides this. I can barely even express my thoughts. I love everyone here in TB & just all my friends in general. I wish I could be a nicer person & not have to play a character all the time, but its whatever. Hopefully me & rocket can play DST (don't starve together, a videogame) sometime soon as I would look forward to that :]. I am so thankful for everyone in TB for helping me become the person I am today. I wish I could tell seru how important he is to me, & to everyone else. I wish he was important to me, he is. He & I haven't talked much recently & it's hard for me to feel strongly towards someone if I havent't interacted with them recently. Out of sight of mind yk? (you know?). anyways I still need to transcribe the documents of the week off. will do that sometime when Im not bored

6/29/23 2:41 am>Egidio> I feel like i definitely(did i spell it right that time ;] ) didn't get enough social interaction as a kid. I am desperate to interact with my friends & will take every chance I can to talk with them. I hope nobody thinks I'm clingy, I hope they just think I'm a good friend. I try so hard to be weird so that i can be unique. If I'm not playing a character do people still want to be around me? If I'm not funny then what am I? I think talking to rocket about music has helped me become more of a person & less of a character, while still being silly.

7/25/23 3:58 pm>Egidio> came to say a dream I had. poppy playtime turns out to be right wing propaganda & me & my sister are trapped in the poppy playtime house we try to escape but fail & get turned into monsters. anyways I have tried hanging out with homestuck people & it has been pretty fun, albeit they are not the most compatible personality wise. sorry for no updates & still not adding the transcriptions.

9/6/23 11:55 pm>Egidio> just spent the day hanging out with dva :) i like hearing htem talk ... hehe,.... ;) in less happoy news i think this new medication is fucking me up. i have not been able to eat propelry the past few days & i have felt like hot shit :fire:. i feel this might reflect on my behavior towards others & i don't want it too :(.

9/9/23 12:49 pm>Egidio> I have been having so much fun just hanging out & talking to friends & stuff. it's been so fun lately. but i have felt myself paralleling shrimpy more & more. I do not want to turn out like her. I don't want my anger issues to come back.

9/30/23 12:31 am>Egidio> I have been low key flirting with dva kind of sort of maybe? they sent me a tiktok with art & one of it was jadedave art & i said woah this is like us in vc the other day & they were like wait true! W rizz! also i sent one of those "you, me, us" tiktoks of terezi & vriska & they responded could this be a #true moment? I know they like me or, *liked* me. that is the most scary thing. the thought that they could lose feelings & i look like a fool. we've been talking more & more & i really like them. also I am worried we would be a bad relationship. I feel like I could be a very manipulative person. I don't want to hurt them. I am always the one to ask them to hang out & I don't want them to feel like I have to be the one to do that. I want them to be comfortable coming to me. graaaah i also am just worried because what if i fall otu of love. i really want to love dva & care for them but sometimes i just cant love anything at all & just feel empty. I have been feeling that less as of late though. which is pretty good. whatever im probably going to bed soon or not i really cant care

9/30/23 12:45 am>Egidio> I think i am starting to adjust to the new medication a bit better. last sunday i was able to study for like the whole day without having to feel like killing myself. it was pretty ePik hehe. :]

10/2/23 10:01 pm>Egidio> I think I am sick & that's why I've been feeling so poor as of late. It would explain stuff & kind of is reassuring that maybe these thoughts are just my mind screwing with me. It doesn't stop the thoughts though. I find myself analysing my interactions with others, thinking they don't want to talk to me & just feel bad & so they continue the conversation. I feel like now I'm starting to feel better. me & dva have been talking abit more today, on twt & disc rather than tktk. hopefully tommorrow things will go back to normal. i hope.

10/7/23 8:57 pm>Egidio> I am so happy to be myself. I am the only iteration of myself that will ever exist like this. I am the most *me* anybody has ever been. I get to be myself. I love life & i love love. loving is so amazing like you can do that to anybody or anyone if you put your mind to it. I have so much love in me. I feel so much more like myself now. I don't know why I never felt this way before. I have a higher understanding of who I am. So what if bad stuff has happened the future holds mystery. pleasant mystery. I read the crow strider AU which deals with a ton of this stuff & feel so much more real. I love josh harley he's so cool. I don't know why I find myself attracted towards characters who are trans men despite me being a cis man. I guess I have a detachment to boyhood & how normal boys should grow up so I feel like trying to re-enter boyhood is similar to their experience? IDK! its weird this is probably a unique feeling. my feelings. i like how i feel & i am not going to change. I am going to change, but for the better. because I want to change. I will not change because others demand it of me. I am my own person I am a great person. I love myself. I find myself to be pretty fudging awesoem . I get to have so amny cool friends who all love me. don't tell yourself they don't love you future me bceause they do. if you wsee this. if you do see this hey future me. from the future. thats pretty effin cooll. I wish i was form the future. I am, but only to the me of the past. but I don't think he really cares that much. whatever. Anyway whats up future me. You can't respond yet but whatever but like hows it going I hope you're happy. iI wonder if dva & you are like a thing maybe maybe haha maybe but if youre still friends thats chill too. if yall don't talk anymore thats a shame but i guess youll have to live with it or you could let it haunt you. it doesnt matter which you pick because either way its still the decision *you* made. that decision will define you & that may be scary but the fear is what makes a person real isn't it? I guess that sounds stupid but most truths do. I hope that you aren't facing any problems like feelings-wise because that would suck major ballz. I hope you can find peace or happiness however that may find you. I hope your loves can become real by that i mean like realising your relationships with people & becoming closer to them. like IDK i am kind of rambling. but rambling means your thoughts are truer & more heartfelt i guess don't they? you can't respond but you are probbabbly all like:: "yeah ur right brohaminator" or you didn't say anything cuz u didn't see this. maybe its good if you don't see this, at least for awhile. I usuually go through these when I'm in the feels & feel all junky in my thunky (brain) I hope you don't feel awkward or anything. No one cares who you are or what you act like, juist be you yk? fuck the other peoples thoughts they don't matter. you get to decide what matters & thats an important thing to remember. you can make other peoples thoughts matter & you should. but just choose which thoughts matter. I feel all emotionally awesome after writing this like I'm all enlightened & stuff but really i know jack squat. whatveer. its cool. maybe you are more prepared for college now that would be sick as a cold. anyways i better wrap this up I've got som emore thinking & having fun to do. toodles

10/19/23 6:23 pm>Egidio> Stuff is weird . I keep on getting jealous of lucid & dva talking but i really shouldnt be. i think i should like that people talk to dva they are sucha wonderful person they deserver it. yk? I have a fear of being abandoned or just being disliked. I want to resolve my issues. its hard. Me & dva definitely are close to having a relationship! Im too awkward to ask them & I want them to be the one to do it, thats proibably selfish. we kind of flirt a little? in our own autistic way. we send stickers of jade & dave. its kind of whholesome romantic hehehee..... but also I feel like they never talk to me. I always talk to them. like I dm them & reply to them but they never dm me or anything. I don't make myself open that often so I cant blame them. its really not that big of a deal. i'VE BEEN able to actually help dva & it feels great. theyve vented to me & i was able to dispense the advice I wish i could give myself. that makes the exchange selfish sorry. I do it to help dva. Im so weird. I like being able to talk to them without feeling that weird about myself. thats all, school is alright im doing better i think in some classes. history kicking my ass but whatevs .

10/20/23 12:43 pm>Egidio> I was worried over nothing as usual again. me & dva hung out & we just talked it was nice. They were playing yakuza & just talked about random stuff & then lucid joined & it was normal. we talked about life & stuff. they said they remembered like oh yeah i remembered i have something to do this weekend Which is foreshadowing maybe. I think its nice to just sit there & have dvas company. i like playing stuff with them but its also nice to know we dont have to be doing stuff to hang out, we can just chill & talk. Dva had to go cuz school yk so me & lucid continued talking for a bit about homestuck & sonic. Lucid is cool I'm glad to be friends with her for so long. It feels weird that im becoming closer to her since we've been friends but never like close? i guess. sort of how i feel with rocket too its weird to feel like after knowing someone for awhile just kind of randomly being closer to them. weird in a good way I'm happy to feel more connected to the people around me. Shrimpy posted saying she wants to distance herself from TB people. I feel bad cuz shes like uhhh you guys are all doing great without me. but its true. i hate to say it. I feel like mommy city was like a lowpoint in my life. I had so many confusing feelings & just bad stuff happening. 2022 is over. 2023 is almost over. 2023 has been a great year. 2023 was bad in some points but it was new. i felt like i was reborn. I have a new set of eyes. & those eyes are great.

11/5/23 11:39 pm>Egidio> still have small thoughts about the lucid thing but dva is a great person & i love them & they do a good job of telling me that they do too. I got to talk about all my stuff with the shrimpy situation with the people of tb recently. we came clean about mommy city & are putting that stuff behind us & shrimpy is no longer welcome back. It felt good to get a lot of that off my chest & I think its really a testament to all the stuff I've worked on this year. 2022 was hell but after ashes subside something is reborn anew. LAME. I love dva a lot & I'm awkward about showing it, but i want to be the best I can for them yk? I think how little i write also shows how hard it is but how much i know. i dont struggle as much with it where i neeed to type this stuff down. I am mostly doing this as to keep a record of events rather than to express myself. I was able to talk about this with maddix tony & dva then with the whoel server then a bit with dva afterwards. I love my friends they are all great.

8/5/24 11:55 pm>Egidio> Another update. I have recently gotten closer to mallard & his friend group. it is fun hanging out with new people. but because of time zones it has messed up how i sleep. i took my adderall at like 6 pm yesterday & today. but i had fun. I still feel weird. about life & how fast it is going. I hope it can slow down. or i can catch up. I want to do alot in life. I don't have time to do all i want. so I should spend less time being ashamed of what I may be. I am not normal. that is okay. I need to just be myself. People would still love me if I was myself. I have gotten better at knowing that. I feel less worried about what people think. Knowing my friends for almost 4 years helps with that. why would they stay around if I wasn't likable? I am going to see green day & smashing pumpkins in 4 days. I am excited for it. i have never been to a concert before. I want to get a septum piercing one day. I think it could suit me. I also want to learn how to do my makeup. my sister would be willing to teach me. I like it when my nails are painted. I don't know what I am. but I am special. I need to learn how to drive. I struggle too much with simple things like that. committing to learning something. i still need like 39 hours. I got interupted typing this & just hung out with my sister for a little bit. i originally started typing it at 10:31. I Like how we just chill sometimes it's cool. I try to hang out with her more often because I may leave for college soon ( 1 year ) so I want to make memories of being siblings growing up before that part of our lives ends. my brother has been cutting himself lately. I don't know what is up with him. I feel bad. but i don't really know what i should be doing about it. my sister has taken away the stuff he used to do it with but he kept getting more stuff. i went to take a shower earlier but he was in the bathroom. i waited for awhile for him to leave & when i went in there was the plastic that the razors come in on the sink. It's weird that this stuff is real. you never know what is going on in anybodies head. Life must be cherished. remember to cherish your own life, reflection reading this.

8/6/24 11:17 pm>Potato> my brother has gotten worse. he seems to have been cutting himself a lot. i should've taken his knife away while i was in his room earlier. I am stupid. My neutral composure towards things in life made it hard for him to take me seriously. I find it hard to take myself seriously sometimes too. I don't think I want him to die. It isn't his time. My sister shouldn't have to deal with this. she is just a kid. turning 13 less than 3 weeks. I hope she has a happy birthday. I think I have autism. I am supposed to tell my mother about my brother's behavior tomorrow. I want to do it. I haven't told him I am going to do it yet. I don't want him to threaten me, that would be annoying to deal with. I wanna make a kinlist. might do that after this log. I might have to look up how to link stuff so i can link the image. filegarden or whatever. i think i have an account. I want the reflection to understand what i was like in this snapshot. through a collage of characters. I want to understand who I am. My family is more messed up than I give it credit for. I like that I am gay now. I identify with it. not being gay, i am bisexual. i am both. i am a person. a person who wants to experience love. & live it. goodbye, for now.

8/9/24 1:58 am>Egidio> night before the concert. or i guess the day, since its already past midnight. I am very excited. i like green day. I ended up making that kin list i was talking about. you can see it HERE i think. seeing that image should give you a good idea of the person I represent myself as at this time. Anything can change. I wish I could change the circumstances of my existence. maybe I will, one day. Anywho, i am up too late as I am supposed to be READY for leaving 8 hours from now, meaning i have to wake up in 6 hours. I don't have much time to sleep but I will do what I must. I forgot how much I liked doing this. just typing to the void. but I really am excited for the concert. I wanna see cute emo guys there. Although i surely won't talk to any, especially since my family is going to the concert with me. all my direct family members are alive at this point in time. my father, mother, sister, & brother will all be attending the concert. my current dog, dino, will be staying behind. I like my life currently, i think. I am content with what I have, & am glad i lack some things. everytime i see dva i get upset just thinking about them. I feel bad seeing them post such suicidal things & the fact I don't care. I don't think I do at least. I can't feel any emotion at all towards them besides anger at this point in time. I hope one day you are reading this & can look back fondly on me. I love you. you deserve to survive.

8/12/24 1:12 am>Egidio> concert was really fun, i hope to go to more concerts in the future as it was fun just singing & dancing. i sang the parts of the songs with the f slur & it felt good to reclaim that. i remembered how annoying my family can be though. it was kind of overwhelming having to deal with them in the crowded stadium. just going along & not having agency of myself in a crowded space is why i usually don't like big spaces. i'm fine with them if i can do what i want & know where i am going but otherwise it just gets really anxiety inducing. I also watched the new bfdia episode & inanimate insanity season 2 episode. i really liked the bfdia episode i love bfdia i have watched it like 3 times already. i got sad that gb was eliminated but i hope she will still get screentime in the new tpot episode whenever that comes out. but i just love having a silly show i can enjoy like bfdi. i feel like a kid excited to watch the new cartoon its really fun. i have been staying up too late recently, probably need to fix that before school starts in like 10 days lol. not much else to say for now. besides i like hanging out with my friends more recently its fun. okay yeah signing off, see ya.

8/16/24 2:04 pm>Egidio> had a dream last night where I talked to shrimpy. was in vc with friends & someone accidentally let them in, but for some reason nobody removed them. I was uncomfortable the whole time & then everyone else left. It was just me & her in vc & she started talking to me just normally. She jokingly said "fuck you" because of something i said & i blew up at her. saying "no FUCK YOU. seriously." & talking about all the stuff she did & how it affected me & how I hate her & never wanted to see her again. then since it is a dream i was in a hotel with her. I grabbed her & threw her out the window. she was the mayor from homestuck & her eyes were kind of weird. eyepatch & cybernetic eye. I was really mad & adrenaline was flowing through me. I don't like how it has been so long but I still can't forget about her. & I still hate her so much. I wish I could forget these things. school starts soon, i hope i can get my sleep schedule in order by then. bye.

8/21/24 5:41 am>Egidio> been alright. went to the doctor earlier today. technically yesterday. since i have been up all night. had to get 4 shots for school & stuff. I watched an inanimate insanity stimboard while getting the shots so I could calm down. I took it like a champ. on the way back my mother said I should get an autism test. the psychiatrists said it was likely I had it when I was a kid. but I didn't NEED a diagnosis. I think that is a shame. I wish life was simpler. I think I am happy, but if offered a chance to reset & redo life I think I would need to think before choosing. I am grateful for what I have. I just wish things were different in some ways. :3 that is a silly emoticon. I like sending those. I need to watch more movies. I am getting my blood taken in like 4-5 hours. I hope it doesn't hurt. I have to fast for it so I can't eat or anything which sucks. I hope that if I get an autism diagnosis I can get some benefits out of it. I like free stuff. I hope my siblings aren't annoying about it. they have been getting on my nerves lately. I have been more easily angered lately in general, but that is just another issue. I need to resolve myself. I hope i can do that one day. signing off.

9/23/24 7:37 pm>Egidio> I enjoyed homecoming. I actually hung out with people I knew, even if I did not talk all that much. I think I underestimate my value as a person on earth. I think there is value to be found in anything. my beliefs in things often change. I am excited for gardening club. I am excited to live. I am worried of becoming religious. also worried of going insane. these can coexist. which is even more worrying. I hope that the instance reading this is not either of those things. I hope if that instance is, they know that there is love in my heart for that instance. the mind & body are malleable & can shape, changing over your life to reflect what you want or what others want. those two aspects may be different between Us now, greatly or minisculely. but the soul we share cannot be changed it is an inherent power that the other two form around. like a core to a planet. the mind & body are grounded by the gravitational pull this burning core that is our soul has. & will always have. the soul is our essence. I wish not to be forgotten. I hope this serves as an effective way to record things. I always have wanted to have a time capsule. I like something like this because it is effectively a living time capsule. I do not feel like reading previous entries at this moment but when i reach a point in time where i need to reflect on the past moments & versions of my life & myself I think this will be useful. in the song famous prophets by car seat headrest there is a line which claims. stuck in a body stuck in a mind. stuck in one body stuck in one mind, for the rest of your life, this is the rest of your life. it does not include the soul. you are not trapped within your soul. it is not trapped within you. it is you. & i think that is what connects us. I am starting little by little to talk more. sometimes. I still do not talk some other times. but i am okay with it. I realize that it is probably not that hard to reconnect with people. there was no big fight or event causing disconnection. just a drift apart. I am afraid to start rowing towards people. it is interesting to skim old messages. it does not feel like the same person writing this. i would welcome them with warm embrace regardless. I want to make this site look better some day, but also it would feel wrong for an old version to exist. if I were to overhaul the design I would make it on a seperate page for newer entries. that would be a good way to divide my high school & college life. & it would mirror the old & new testament to increase the biblical imagery count on this thing. goodbye. I love you.

9/27/24 12:10 am>Egidio> I have been trying to be slightly more social lately. I do think it is working. I am working on taking more chances to just talk to people even if I am not going all the way through with all of them. I am being happier. I have been having more thoughts of self harm though. on homecoming night i poured nail polish remover on my hands by acccident & it left blood on them & I liked it. I kind of crave that feeling again. but my body aches. I need to get more energy or something. sigh. i had the first autism test today. it was a series of strange puzzles of sorts. I think I probably will get diagnosed, which makes me happy. I am looking forward to a lot. but i am worried about the time constraints. I only have a year until I leave all of these people behind, & have to make the most of this time i have left to try. It is hard to cope with this fact. that is all i have to say really, I am tired.

9/28/24 7:36 pm>Teresa> had a dream earlier today/last night i guess. it was symbolic. I was in some random town & came across a group of people who looked cool. so i just talked to them & hung out with them. I got super sad when i realized i would have to go home at some point. because these people weren't from where i lived, i was there because we were visiting or something. visiting & i just so happened to meet these new people. & it made me really really sad. a pit in my stomach. I enjoyed hanging out with them. I found people who i could resonate with. people who were real & i could see. it just made me sad. I really hope one day I can feel a connection like that. a REAL connection. I feel like i am trapped or something. I wanna be able to touch the palm of some One i love & just feel the blood in their palm pulsing just as mine does. & look them straight in their eyes & feel them stare back. idk I think i am just really sad & gay recently. which is a shame. i hate being a FAGGOT. but i romanticize my hate & that is why i am glad that i am gay. not really gay but like gay enough. i need to go outside more. GOD. i want to just exist or die. idk. i just feel drained. see ya around folks.

10/13/24 10:02 pm>Egidio> just a routine log, nothing much going on. I have kept on working towards interacting with more people, slowly. I have written my college essay, although it may not be the FINAL version yet. my teacher gave it a 100, i do not know if that is because it was good or if it was simply complete. I wanted to be terezi for halloween but I do not know if that is possible. I do not know what I will be for halloween. I think I have been doing better at existing. at my sister's last two soccer games me & my brother, Massimo, just walked through the woods around the field while listening to music. It was very relaxing & I feel that we are closer because of it. I also took some neat photos in the woods. I edited a seperate photo that I thought looked nice. if you click THIS you can see it. I am wearing clothes I like in that photo. I enjoy wearing clothes that I like wearing. I want to get a job or something so I can buy more clothes that I like, but I cannot drive yet. I keep putting off things that I need to do to survive. I need to learn to drive eventually, & it is better to learn how to do that sooner rather than later but I just cannot take that first step. I have been doing odd with weight. I weigh about average & even less than that at times. but I have been watching my weight a lot it feels since there is a scale down stairs in the living room. I usually am around 112-120 pounds, it fluctuates. this is pretty normal for some One who is around 5'3" like myself. I messaged this person on instagram the other day who goes to my school, asking if a manga was worth reading. even though it was like a very short message chain I am glad I am taking more steps towards real interactions. if i want to go to prom & have a fun time I need to know people & this is one of the steps you take to achieve that. my parents keep encouraging me to take my medication on the weekends, to my dismay. I personally dislike it simply due to the fact that I sometimes do not feel myself when taking it. not in an insanity way, just an abnormal way. like i become a robot piloting simply to achieve my tasks. I like being this robot sometimes but sometimes I just want to feel like myself in all my weirdness & issues present. i want to make a new version of this archive for college, A disc 2 i think i will call it. I will need to start working on it earlier if I want it to be ready by then. see ya next log folks..